Tea and Sympathy

I used to wish this movie had been my life when I first saw it as a teenager.

I used to wish and wish and wish that I had gotten to have an affair with an older woman as well.

Then decades later,

I did have an affair with an older woman.

But it wasn't as much fun as Deborah Kerr made it seem it would be.

Deborah Kerr was gentle and kind.

My older female lover was violent and desperate.

She didn't even care about my feelings.

I bet Deborah Kerr would have cared.

Next time,

I'll just have an affair with Deborah Kerr.

Any other older woman just doesn't compare.

Which is probably why I married a woman 6 years younger than me.

Although,

She looks like Deborah Kerr...

Hmmm....

The Man in the Orange Shirt

What I have longed for decades now for lesbian cinema to be - 

Good.

Damn, this was a good limited series.

The Brokeback Mountain of post-World War II England,

But with a twist - 

The sad familial curse of unhappy endings to great gay love stories gets lifted with the next generation of gays.

Hooray!

It's finally okay for us to be gay!

Which is why I get so pissed off at the newer generations who dare to bitch, moan, and complain about how "hard" it is to be queer nowadays.

Not really.

Sure, some of it is hard,

But that's life.

Life is hard.

But compared to the past,

Being gay these days is a blast.

The Heiress

When you fuck over a kind, sweet, charitable, lovable, gullible, completely in love with you woman,

Don't be surprised when she wises up and is happy to get revenge on your sorry ass.

And that is what happens to Katherine when sexy, sultry, handsome Montgomery Clift waltzes into her life.

He thinks he can win over the kind, sweet, charitable, lovable, gullible, completely in love with him Katherine.

And he did.

But then he dumps her when she can't give him the luxurious lifestyle he thought he was getting with a marriage to her.

The most satisfying ending in film history is when Katherine gets her revenge and he is the one left sad and alone this time.

Good!

Fucker!

I don't care how good-looking you are Montgomery Clift,

You were an asshole to poor Katherine!

I even dated a guy once because he looked just like Montgomery Clift.

He was an asshole too who used me as well!

Bastards!

I ended up turning into a Katherine too.

I was once a kind, sweet, charitable, lovable, gullible, completely in love with you woman.

Not anymore.

If you want the world to have kind, sweet, charitable, lovable, gullible, completely in love with you women,

The Montgomery Clift's of the world might want to stop using us, abusing us, and then throwing us away once we are no longer any use to you.

Bastards!

Modern Family

Let's face the cold, hard truth,

I watched this show for one reason and one reason only -

Sofia Vergara's cleavage.

The best damn cleavage ever on TV.

Perhaps the best damn cleavage in the history of time.

The show itself was cute and funny at times,

But mostly it annoyed me because the families were all so damn rich,

And I kept thinking,

Whatever in the hell happened to all the TV shows that were on when I was a kid where most families portrayed were poor or middle-class at best??

Everyone on TV is rich now.

Even Sofia Vergara's cleavage is rich

Or at least it helped to make her rich.

Rich or poor,

I will enjoy Sofia Vergara's cleavage until the end of time.

A gift from God.

If you are ever questioning God's existence,

Just remember Sofia Vergara's cleavage and you know that was God's work.

It's a Wonderful Life

It really is a wonderful life, George Bailey.

Advice that I need to take too.

I have loved this movie since I first saw it at 15 years old,

But,

It took until I was 51 to realize I was George Bailey too.

Or at least my wife opened up my eyes to this fact just this past Christmas.

It was a big ole DUH! that I ignored for decades.

But she was right,

I am George Bailey in real life.

I had big, big, BIG dreams of running far, far, far away and doing big, big, BIG things!

But I always found myself stuck in the same place.

Like the universe was saying, 

"Nope, you need to be right here doing these little but still very important things instead."

No matter how hard I tried,

I was always doing little but still important things right here instead of far, far away doing big things.

At least like George Bailey, I found a beautiful Donna Reed too who loves me unconditionally with starry-eyes and all whenever she looks at me, 

Even after all of these decades together.

We now have a family that we hope to grow as big as George Bailey's one day too,

Complete with a lovely, yet frustrating house that we now wouldn't trade for any fancy new mansion ever,

Because it is OUR house.

It is the house where we created our Danny and hoping for more kids to come.

And yep,

It took an angel or two as well to help me realize that my life is pretty swell.

I can't wait for Christmas so I can watch this film again.

It really is a wonderful life, Ali Naro.

Advice maybe for us all...

Full Swing

A reality show about how very hard and very stressful being a professional golfer really is.

Poor, poor babies.

Except they are not anywhere near poor because Netflix keeps showing us the enormous amounts of cash these guys make even when they come in 121st place.

Good God in Heaven, do these poor, stressed-out baby-men get paid a lot of money just to get a tiny ball into a tiny hole.

I played golf in high school and was even told I had a natural talent and if I worked hard enough I could probably go pro one day.

Except I got so depressed while in high school and am still crawling out of that depression in my middle age that I became a professional mental patient instead.

Mental patients do not make what pro golfers do.

Which is why I stopped watching this reality series.

Seeing how much money these poor baby, professional grown men-kids make caused me to want to go back into the mental hospital, I got so depressed.

Maybe I'll go to the driving range instead and work on my golf game.

The old people professional golf league is still a thing, right??

Maybe I can still make that professional golf thing happen??

Ok, maybe not.

That's what sucks about middle age,

You keep realizing with so much of your life that it's too late to try now.

Youth really is wasted on the young.

Dammit!

Summer House/Winter House

A couple of reality series that are bascially about a bunch of really pretty and very fit people.

All they do is drink,

Fight,

Fuck,

And then go home.

So,

It's a very entertaining show.

Reality shows are now my new soap operas.

I gotta have my soap fix,

And reality shows are now the only way to keep my addiction to straight people drama fed for life.

Between these two shows and a couple of those crazy Real Housewives franchises,

I will be swimming in soap opera drama forever...

Or until Andy Cohen's empire finally falls just like the Roman's did.

Nothing lasts forever.

Especially soap operas or even Andy Cohen.

I'd rather have my soaps back.

Andy Cohen's empire is getting so dark and hostile.

I think he wishes he had been born a straight lady and not a gay man.

There's a way to fix that now, Andy.

Maybe if you give it a try your reality franchises might finally find some fun and light.

Will and Grace

 

I never gave two who-ha's about Will or Grace.

I didn't even care for Jack.

I watched this show for one reason and one reason only - 

Karen's cleavage.

The best damn cleavage on TV since Hee Haw.

Karen's cleavage never disappointed.

It was always there to save the day from a mediocre show at best.

Cleavage always saves the day.

It's the best anti-depressant ever.

And cleavage can even end wars.

Who wants to fight when there is cleavage to behold????

And Karen's cleavage was something to behold.

The next reboot of Will and Grace should just be of Karen's cleavage.

The Swans

Truman Capote was a very short, very gay, and very fucked up guy.

And he fucked with the wrong broads.

Rich society ladies are the worst.

They will fuck you hard

And they will fuck you fast

And then they will completely and utterly abandon you the moment you are no longer any use to them.

I get it Truman,

I've been fucked over by rich society ladies and wannabe rich society ladies too.

I'm handling it about as well as you did.

Well, maybe a little better than you.

I'm still here,

While those rich society ladies ended up killing you.

Dante's Cove

This series is about...

Gay sex.

Gay sex.

Gay sex.

Some plot.

Gay sex.

Gay sex.

A hint of a storyline.

Finally some lesbian sex! 

And yay for lesbian sex!

And now we are back to more gay sex.

And don't forget the very bad acting.

And even more gay sex.

With lots and lots of hot, naked bodies.

And some supernatural mumbo jumbo stuff too.

And finally,

Even more gay sex.

And that about sums it up for Dante's Cove.

Watch the semi-porn series for mindless enjoyment.

Do not under any circumstances take this TV series seriously.

It's lots of fun and did I mention that there's lots of gay and lesbian sex and hot, naked bodies?

Oh, it's actual plot is about witches and magic and stuff like that.

Just don't worry what the show is about because it doesn't really matter.

I watch it for all the gayness and sex, and isn't that the whole point of TV anyway?

The Rise of Skywalker

Yet another Disney Star Wars movie sequel from hell.

This movie is so bad that I only got 30 minutes into the film before I turned it off. 

The only Star Wars movie I have never finished, although I wish I never finished The Last Jedi either.

I have loved Star Wars for over 40 years now, first falling in love with it when I was 4 years old.

Well, I'm out of love now and looking for a mistress.

originally created on 4/16/2021

The Last Jedi

Who in the hell decided it was okay to do this to Star Wars and Luke Skywalker??!

I thought I had gone N-U-T-S, NUTS when I first saw this film.

I thought for sure something was wrong with me because I couldn't imagine anyone would make this garbage on purpose, so I must be losing my mind, right?

Right????!

Nope.

This movie was simply garbage.

Shame on you Disney for destroying us Gen X'ers dreams of Luke Skywalker coming back.

We waited over 30 years for his return and this is the crap you gave us for all of our patience and loyalty over the decades??!

Shame on you, Disney.

Shame on you.

originally created on 1/15/2021

Tell it to the Bees

I really wanted to like this movie.

I really, really did.

And it seemed to start off quite good, but then Anna Paquin forgot to show up for her performance. She seemed to be taking a nap during most of her scenes. Maybe she was sleepy from the time change of filming in Scotland?

And then the story went in a wildly, overly dramatic direction that all lesbian movies seem to go because apparently only wildly, overly dramatic women can get funding for their film projects. 

The movie ended with an almost rape, a forced abortion that almost led to a death, bees, bees, bees everywhere, and then the lesbians breaking up.

The End.

Ugh!

When are the lesbians going to get their Brokeback Mountain?

You know, a film of quality.

I'm waiting...

originally created 2/21/2022

Dog The Bounty Hunter

Rest in peace, Beth Chapman.

God, I loved her.

Beautiful on the inside and the out.

With the best set of tits on anyone I have ever seen ever.

And a tough broad that you would never want to cross.

But she also had the biggest heart.

She helped everyone -

Criminals

Outcasts

Queers

Moms

Dads

Sisters

Brothers...

She was the mom to us all.

But now she is gone,

And the world will never be the same without her.

Rest in peace, beautiful Beth.

I will always love you.

originally created on 6/22/2021

Gone With The Wind

 

The greatest film of all time!

Well, after Citizen Kane.

Yet, Hollywood, in its infinite wisdom, keeps trashing Gone With The Wind because it dared to show our dark history's past.

Well, Hollywood, why did you even make the damn film in the first place if you were then going to spend eternity trashing it???!

Oh yeah, because Gone With The Wind has and continues to make Hollywood shitloads of dough, even when they try to censor it from time, that's why!

originally created on 1/15/2021

The Golden Girls

 

Fuck YES!

A bunch of horny old ladies in 1980s Miami chasing after horny old men.

It seemed gross on the surface, but it proved to be a Saturday night must-see for gay men and old ladies everywhere.

And now you can't go into a Spencer's or a Hot Topic or a CVS without running into a whole feast of Golden Girls t-shirts and socks and shot glasses and coffee mugs and chia pets and bobbleheads to choose from to add to your Golden Girls collection obsession.

Who knew that old ladies getting it on would be such a good and long-lasting sell?

See, Hollywood, there's nothing wrong with old ladies.

You can make money from them too.

originally created on 6/15/2021

A Room with a View

 

Now this is a movie!

Tired of superheroes?

Tired of CGI?

Tired of movies lacking plots or stories or real characters or just plain ole keeping your interest long enough to watch the whole damn thing?

Well, look no further than 1985 and the romantic film, A Room with a View.

It's got Helena Bonham-Carter.

It's got Daniel Day-Lewis.

It's got a sexy Judi Dench wearing a tie (oh my!).

It's got romance.

It's got star-crossed lovers.

It's got Italy.

It's got England.

It's got tennis playing on real grass.

It's got men running around a small pond stark naked with their penises flapping about and everything!

And it was produced and directed by a real-life gay couple.

What more could you ask for??

Why can't Hollywood make movies like this again?

Oh yeah, because this is a European film, so Hollywood never made movies like this in the first place.

Guess it's time for me to truck on over to Europe to get me some quality storytelling.

Hollywood is too busy selling me men in tights.

I'm a lesbian, so I prefer women to be in tights instead.

originally created on 2/19/2021

Guiding Light

I MISS THIS SOAP!

I want to see Reva Shayne and Josh Lewis chase after each other in their old age, dammit!

Every day at 3 pm, I still look for this soap even though it has been canceled forever now and it stopped playing at 3 pm long before it got canceled,

But still,

I WANT MY GUIDING LIGHT AT 3 PM ON CBS, DAMMIT!

CBS, you are bastards for canceling this soap!

BASTARDS!

P.S.: I got to interview 2 actresses from this soap a few years ago. One was super nice and sweet. The other was a real bitch. I won't say who was who other than neither was Kim Zimmer, dammit!

LONG LIVE REVA SHAYNE AND JOSH LEWIS!

originally created 2/23/2022

Ammonite

 

Kate Winslet playing a lesbian who digs up fossils in a movie?

Oh yes, please.

Kate Winslet going down on a woman in the same movie?

Oh hell yes, please!

Getting to see another woman kiss on Kate Winslet's naked boobies in still the same movie??

Oh hell to the YES, YES, YES!

Kate Winslet having a woman sit on her face while she performs cunnilingus in yet still the same movie??

Okay, who has been invading my brain and stealing all of my Kate Winslet fantasies???

And can you keep doing it??

Because I have some really interesting thoughts about Christina Hendricks with another woman, and I would really like to see them in a movie as well.

And while you are in my brain full of fantasies about celebrity women, there are some interesting movies with Sigourney Weaver making out with women that I would like to see too.

Thanks in advance.

xxoo

originally created on 4/16/2021

Queer As Folk

The TV show with the best mom ever isn't Leave it to Beaver or The Ozzie and Harriet Show, 

It was Queer As Folk.

I mostly watched this show for Debbie the waitress.

I love waitresses.

I have no idea why I love them so much.

I have just always had a thing for waitresses.

Especially when they have cleavage.

Debbie had great cleavage.

Her cleavage always reminded me of this gorgeous waitress I knew when I was a teenager who had fantastic cleavage and the coolest, most artistically painted nails ever. I would admire her from afar at this diner called Pappas in good ole New Smyrna Beach, Florida.

As Lester Falls Apart said in Smoke Signals about a waitress he had a thing for,

"Oh la!"

She was a hottie!

She would always smile at me and give me a wink, and my day would always be brighter and the sun would come out and the heavens would sing...

She was my angel.

The burgers and fries and chocolate shakes at Pappas were great too.

Anyway, what was I talking about again?

I got lost on waitresses with hot cleavage.

Oh yeah, Queer As Folk.

Well, yes I am.

Anyway, Queer As Folk is a show about a group of gay guys with no body hair who have lots of sex.

So, it's a fucking good show.

With the best mom ever.

Who is a hot waitress too.

Hey, Debbie.

Wanna go out sometime?

If only...

Hey, a girl can dream.

Can't she?

originally created on 6/18/2021